Manhood and Fanhood

After a long sabbatical I am back!!! 2015 was a rough year for male fashion. Dudes are wearing colored skinny pants that are squeezing the manhood right out of them, cuffing the bottoms of jeans not to stay dry but to look hip, I think. Shorts are getting shorter again. Men, our legs just ain't that sexy...  Anyway, living in Seattle I have learned even those who have squeezed the manhood out of themselves they still love football. 

The playoffs are just around the corner and it is time to get yourself into the mood for cheering your team onto victory. Now men know they can influence a game by the following:

1) The louder you cheer and yell at the TV the more you can influence your team to victory. 

2) The more team apparel you wear the better your team will perform. 

3) Where you sit, when you shower, what socks you wear, and many other things influence the game. 

Now if there is a way to explain this to my wife so she could understand please let me know. 

I firmly believe that steps 1,2, and 3 above will benefit your team greatly but to get the most out of your fanhood you need to take on the personality of the team. Below you will see many of the items to help lead your team to victory. 

As you know last year the Patriots won the super bowl when Darell Bevell (UW 1994) Instructed Russell Wilson (UW 2011) to throw the ball to the wrong team. The Patriots proved they could catch a fully inflated ball and as they say the rest is history. This year the Patriots are in the drivers seat to get the first seed in the AFC. Below is a candid photo of Tom Brady on how patriot fans should prep for gameday (I know some will think the picture is me wearing a Tom jersey but I assure you it is Tom.) 

On the NFC side the Panthers are undefeated and have all but locked up the first seed for the playoffs. It is easy to take on the personality of the Panthers. Just throw on your Panthers jersey and act like a complete tool. This should be easy for those wearing those tight colored skinny pants. Before I go too hard on the Panthers I do give Newton credit for leaving college early to go pro all for the love of the game. For most kids leaving college early to go pro is done for financial reasons but Newton took a large paycut leaving Auburn to go Pro. Below are some examples on being a panther fan.

Up next the Packers. This one is simple due to the creation of the cheesehead. Wear a jersey, a cheesehead, some camo or hunter orange and talk about the glory days. Saying a few Hail Marys during games has proven to help as well. 

Back to the AFC we discuss the Cincinnati Bengals. I read somewhere that the Bengals were good in the 80's. I mostly remember them for Ochocinco. To get the most out of your Bengals on Sundays it is important to take on the persona of Ochocinco and have a ridiculous celebration for each score. Below is one I have been working on for about six months. You think it is ready to use on gameday? 

Having a Baby

The New York Jets are on the verge of making the Playoffs. Unbelievable as it may sound it is true check the standings. Bring out the swim trunks and the swagger and you are in the zone for gameday. 

Doin the Namath

Bears fans are not in the playoff hunt probably because they have not released the inner Ditka. RELEASE THE DITKA!!!!!

Ditka... Sausage.. Da Bears

For fans of the teams not in the playoffs, there is always next year. 

I saved the Seahawks for last as they are now my team. I know everyone still refuses to believe I am not a Packer fan, but I ain't in fact my favorite team is whoever is playing the Packers and my second favorite is the Seahawks. Who can forget last years NFC championship game when the Seahawks crushed the Packers in OT to make the Superbowl. Being a Badger fan Russell learned my voice back in his college days so I can directly influence him better than others when yelling from the couch. Lately he has been listening quite well. 

Again I reiterate it is important to take on the personality of the team you are rooting for. Your fanhood is more important than ever this year. So when you are throwing back an ice cold budweiser and rooting like a maniac for your favorite team, remember fashion and football can still go hand and hand. 

 Oilers are undefeated Why Not Them?

A Man's Guide to Looking Smart

Over my life I have had a few people comment on how smart I am. But people who know me well know that this is not the case. So the real question is why do some people get fooled into thinking I am smart? I have spent some time trying to figure out how I fooled these people so I can use these techniques to fool more people.

Now could it be because I am always right? No - I got married and have learned in a short time that even when I am right which is like 107% of the time I am still wrong. I have not scientifically figured out how this is possible but it just is so this theory is out.

Now could it be my abnormally large head size? The large dome runs in the Bentley family. However my large dome can be contributed to several factors. The main factor being at a young age while watching the team figure skating olympic events my father decided to give the event a try in the living room. I played the part of the lady skater being tossed in the air. Now at the age of 6 I had yet to perfect the triple sow cow (just looked it up and apparently it is a salchow so totally did went my whole life not knowing that) maneuver in the air. So mine was more like a half cow half dying duck that resulted in me landing on my head and being rushed to the emergency room. This led to my head being inflated the rest of my life and there is nothing Tom Brady can do to deflate it. Also this serious head injury probably resulted in me think skaters were performing a move called a sow cow.

This leaves one plausible reason people could actually think I am smart. My looks. Now the only thing bigger than my large head is my belly so looking smart for me means dressing smart and dressing smart means Argyle. Argyle is like some fancy print of diamonds (woman's best friend) on the front of a sweater that just scream awesome. Now in the Declaration of Independence Thomas Jefferson mentioned something about Freedom and Liberty and kicking the snot out of Britain. Thomas Jefferson is like the smartest man ever however he did not wear Argyle. Bob Knight did. And Bob Knight knew a thing or two about kicking the snot out of people. So based on this we can determine that wearing argyle makes you look smart. Argyle also goes great with blue jeans. Below is photographic evidence.

Bob Knight in Argyle

 

Perfect for a family photo - rocking a argyle sweater vest with blue jeans.

Looking smart reading The Farside. Bottoning up the dress shirt to the top adds like 10 IQ points on the looks scale.  

This picture says many things. I just hope genius is one of them. (Photographer and additional participant Eric Gray and a stray cat)

 

As you can see from the above barrage of brilliance, wearing argyle will fool anyone into thinking you are as smart as that dude who invented the hot dog. You will also look ridiculously good looking. So next time you are trying to impress someone with your smarts without sacrificing your looks - go Argyle. Hope these outfit ideas are inspirational to you.

 

Not sure if this qualifies as argyle but it is awesome and if you don't think so Coach Knight will make you go night night...