11 Things I wish I knew about Dutch
before I worked with one.
One busy day at work an article on MSN.com caught my eye.
The article was titled “The 7 Things I wish I Had Known About Getting A Nose
Job Before Getting One.” This inspired me to think about the things I wish I
had known so I decided it was time to bring back the blog and address work
related issues. This first blog of the series addresses handling a Dutch. As
always we will touch on a little fashion (mostly what not to wear), a little
fishing, and a little freedom.
I never really
received the full Dutch experience until transferring to Bellingham for work.
Growing up on the side of a mountain in Montana I wasn’t exposed to much. I may
have learned how to act in the presence of a bear, but never learned anything
about the Dutch. Sure, we all know about the windmills and all, but below is
the list of things I wish I had known about the Dutch prior to working with
one.
 |
| Generic Dutch Worker |
1)
They
won’t pay for anything. The Dutch take frugal to a whole new level, the
grip on their wallet is tighter than a hipsters jeans.
a.
Office festivities are seen as an opportunity to
bring the whole family into the workplace for a free meal. Dutch will down half a
dozen free pastries in a morning so that they don’t need to pay for lunch. Also,
the Dutch will never be the one who brings in office donuts. Any leftovers from
an office party will be brought home to feed the family for the upcoming days.
b.
Lunch invitations will never be accepted unless
it is predetermined as a business expense. Nothing a Dutch loves more than a
free lunch. The Dutch will seek out every possible opportunity to have a
business lunch. Without a free lunch the Dutch will resort to eating microwaved
burritos or Raman noodles.
c.
Vacation budgets are almost non-existent. When
asked how much spending money should be brought on a two week vacation “I don’t
know like $50.00” is a serious answer. Let’s just say tipping is a foreign
concept.
2)
Confidence/Self
Boasting. The Dutch do not lack any confidence. You can be sure they will
never defer to a more experienced party or to better judgement. They will proudly
tell you how you are doing it wrong and how they can do it better. This boast
is often prefaced with a “no no no, you’re doing it wrong”. From bragging about simple things like how
great they are at mowing the lawn to more complex things like how they can do
surgery better than a surgeon you can be sure that they will tell you all about
it. The Dutch believe they are the greatest gift to Earth and will love to tell
you just how great and how right they are.
The Greek restaurant that serves lasagna that tastes like
spaghetti-O’s and their garlic bread is a hot dog bun while according to the
Dutch that is the greatest Greek restaurant in the county and they serve the
best pizza (even though they don’t make pizza…).
3)
Never
owns up to bets. The Dutch are extremely hard to get into a bet, but when
you do be aware that if you win you will never see the payout. It’s not that
they back out or cheat or claim victory (which they will do all of those at
times), they will just refuse to pay until you agree to a bet that is extremely
stacked in their favor to even out the payout. Essentially all bets end at zero
if they lose the first bet. If the Dutch win the original bet you can ensure
you will be given no opportunity to win your money back and you will get hourly
reminders of any unpaid bets.
a.
The tight grip on their money leads bets to be
quite cutthroat at times. This also leads to a low bar when it comes to ethics.
When golfing you can bet a shot into the woods gives the Dutch an opportunity
to drop the ball in the middle of the fairway a few yards closer to the hole.
But if you hit it into the woods they will demand you take the worst drop
possible and not shut up until you do. When you relent just to get them to be
quiet you can bet they will boast about beating you on that hole.
4)
Wear emotions
on the sleeve. The Dutch are highly emotional.
a.
Extreme Volatility. The Dutch do not take
changes in circumstances calmly. The slightest change in environment or
circumstance will make them blow up faster and more violently than the
Challenger. It would be safe to assume that if you know a Dutch they will have
high blood pressure. They also demand
attention during these moments of volatility. Often you will be sitting in your
office and hear some random yelling down the hall and have to get up to ask
what’s wrong and provide comfort to calm the situation. Phone conversations are
held on speaker phone and only outside voices are to be used. These emotional
outbursts are often distracting to the rest of the office.
b.
Easily Excited. The simplest of things can lead
to great excitement with the Dutch. This excitement is elevated when money
could be involved. The thought of finding treasure will certainly cause a leak
in their drawers. Work must stop when the thought of treasure enters the mind. Sometimes
over excitement can lead to damage as stated below.
 |
| Commissioned Dutch Muzzle |
 |
| Dutch Pout Fest |
 |
| Generic Dutch Looking at Treasure Map |
5)
Fishing.
One of the most redeeming qualities of the Dutch are there fishing skills. They
will scope out the free listing on craigslist.com until they find a free pole
or crawfish pot. The Dutch will put a piece of Tuna into a crawfish pot throw
it into a dirty pond and catch a 5 pound Bass like there is nothing to it. It’s
true I have seen it. Again this leads to extreme excitement by said Dutch. When
I first witnessed a Dutch get so excited after catching a fish that he punched
out someone’s window just to get their attention I was flabbergasted. But,
having worked with a Dutch for three years now this behavior is just seen as a
normal everyday event.
 |
| Impressive Catch |
 |
| Got a little excited |
66)
They Love
To Argue. The Dutch will argue you on anything even if they are proven
wrong they will continue to argue. They will argue that a truffle is not a
candy, google it see that it is a candy and continue to argue this. This makes
it very difficult to have a constructive conversation with a Dutch. If argument
is not being understood they will repeat the same thing only louder this time.
77) Trusting / Gullible. You can tell any
story to a Dutch and they will believe it. No story is too farfetched to not be
taken seriously by the Dutch. No matter how many stories you make up they will
always believe the next one. Combined with their volatile nature this trait
will leads to hours of entertainment as you get them worked up about things
that aren’t really happening.
Being overly trusting also leads to leaving
yourself open to have pranks pulled on you. The Dutch are easy targets for your
best office pranks. Many pranks and laughs are to be had at the Dutch’s expense
but be aware that property damage will likely occur in retaliation. It may
include having your walls covered in chili or spray painting something.
8) Demands Perfection /no tolerance. No
one is more unforgiving than a Dutchman. The slightest mistake is the biggest
of deals and the wrath of yelling at the speaker phone will ensue. The Dutch
will set a high bar for expectations and demand these are met. Again the
slightest change to their expectations will lead to a major blow up.
9)
Fashion. The
Dutch extreme frugality leads to
many fashion No-No’s. Saving money on clothing is a good thing and something I
greatly promote but a few No-No’s you will pick up from the Dutch:
a.
Peg Legged Jeans – won’t spend money on both
jeans and shorts so they roll up the jeans which is on fleek in the hipster world
but in the man world a no-no either wear your jeans or cut the legs short and
make a real pair of Jorts.
b.
Pit stained T-shirts – this is by far the most
disturbing fashion trend of the Dutch. Given that their T-shirts are all hand
me downs or purchased from a thrift store you can’t be certain whose sweat is
showing. And they will wear these white pit stained shirts with pride in the
office.
c.
Headbands – No to headbands.
10) Poor Storytelling. The Dutch are not
great storytellers, but they will never pass up the opportunity to talk. Due to
this they will often tell the same story over and over and over and over and
over again as they cannot think of a new one. Like this one time at the Tesoro
refinery when the pipe fitters were on strike….
11) They will end up being a great friend. In
spite of or in light of all the above they will turn to be a great friend who
is entertaining and a pleasure to hang out with. Unless your golfing…
