11 Things I wish I knew about Dutch before I worked with one.

One busy day at work an article on MSN.com caught my eye. The article was titled “The 7 Things I wish I Had Known About Getting A Nose Job Before Getting One.” This inspired me to think about the things I wish I had known so I decided it was time to bring back the blog and address work related issues. This first blog of the series addresses handling a Dutch. As always we will touch on a little fashion (mostly what not to wear), a little fishing, and a little freedom.

 I never really received the full Dutch experience until transferring to Bellingham for work. Growing up on the side of a mountain in Montana I wasn’t exposed to much. I may have learned how to act in the presence of a bear, but never learned anything about the Dutch. Sure, we all know about the windmills and all, but below is the list of things I wish I had known about the Dutch prior to working with one.

Generic Dutch Worker

1)      They won’t pay for anything. The Dutch take frugal to a whole new level, the grip on their wallet is tighter than a hipsters jeans.

a.      Office festivities are seen as an opportunity to bring the whole family into the workplace for a free meal.  Dutch will down half a dozen free pastries in a morning so that they don’t need to pay for lunch. Also, the Dutch will never be the one who brings in office donuts. Any leftovers from an office party will be brought home to feed the family for the upcoming days.

b.      Lunch invitations will never be accepted unless it is predetermined as a business expense. Nothing a Dutch loves more than a free lunch. The Dutch will seek out every possible opportunity to have a business lunch. Without a free lunch the Dutch will resort to eating microwaved burritos or Raman noodles.

c.      Vacation budgets are almost non-existent. When asked how much spending money should be brought on a two week vacation “I don’t know like $50.00” is a serious answer. Let’s just say tipping is a foreign concept.

2)      Confidence/Self Boasting. The Dutch do not lack any confidence. You can be sure they will never defer to a more experienced party or to better judgement. They will proudly tell you how you are doing it wrong and how they can do it better. This boast is often prefaced with a “no no no, you’re doing it wrong”.  From bragging about simple things like how great they are at mowing the lawn to more complex things like how they can do surgery better than a surgeon you can be sure that they will tell you all about it. The Dutch believe they are the greatest gift to Earth and will love to tell you just how great and how right they are. 

The Greek restaurant that serves lasagna that tastes like spaghetti-O’s and their garlic bread is a hot dog bun while according to the Dutch that is the greatest Greek restaurant in the county and they serve the best pizza (even though they don’t make pizza…).

3)      Never owns up to bets. The Dutch are extremely hard to get into a bet, but when you do be aware that if you win you will never see the payout. It’s not that they back out or cheat or claim victory (which they will do all of those at times), they will just refuse to pay until you agree to a bet that is extremely stacked in their favor to even out the payout. Essentially all bets end at zero if they lose the first bet. If the Dutch win the original bet you can ensure you will be given no opportunity to win your money back and you will get hourly reminders of any unpaid bets.

a.      The tight grip on their money leads bets to be quite cutthroat at times. This also leads to a low bar when it comes to ethics. When golfing you can bet a shot into the woods gives the Dutch an opportunity to drop the ball in the middle of the fairway a few yards closer to the hole. But if you hit it into the woods they will demand you take the worst drop possible and not shut up until you do. When you relent just to get them to be quiet you can bet they will boast about beating you on that hole.

4)      Wear emotions on the sleeve. The Dutch are highly emotional.

a.      Extreme Volatility. The Dutch do not take changes in circumstances calmly. The slightest change in environment or circumstance will make them blow up faster and more violently than the Challenger. It would be safe to assume that if you know a Dutch they will have high blood pressure.  They also demand attention during these moments of volatility. Often you will be sitting in your office and hear some random yelling down the hall and have to get up to ask what’s wrong and provide comfort to calm the situation. Phone conversations are held on speaker phone and only outside voices are to be used. These emotional outbursts are often distracting to the rest of the office.

b.      Easily Excited. The simplest of things can lead to great excitement with the Dutch. This excitement is elevated when money could be involved. The thought of finding treasure will certainly cause a leak in their drawers. Work must stop when the thought of treasure enters the mind. Sometimes over excitement can lead to damage as stated below.

Commissioned Dutch Muzzle

 

Dutch Pout Fest

Generic Dutch Looking at Treasure Map

5)      Fishing. One of the most redeeming qualities of the Dutch are there fishing skills. They will scope out the free listing on craigslist.com until they find a free pole or crawfish pot. The Dutch will put a piece of Tuna into a crawfish pot throw it into a dirty pond and catch a 5 pound Bass like there is nothing to it. It’s true I have seen it. Again this leads to extreme excitement by said Dutch. When I first witnessed a Dutch get so excited after catching a fish that he punched out someone’s window just to get their attention I was flabbergasted. But, having worked with a Dutch for three years now this behavior is just seen as a normal everyday event.

 

Impressive Catch

Got a little excited

66)      They Love To Argue. The Dutch will argue you on anything even if they are proven wrong they will continue to argue. They will argue that a truffle is not a candy, google it see that it is a candy and continue to argue this. This makes it very difficult to have a constructive conversation with a Dutch. If argument is not being understood they will repeat the same thing only louder this time.

77)     Trusting / Gullible. You can tell any story to a Dutch and they will believe it. No story is too farfetched to not be taken seriously by the Dutch. No matter how many stories you make up they will always believe the next one. Combined with their volatile nature this trait will leads to hours of entertainment as you get them worked up about things that aren’t really happening.

Being overly trusting also leads to leaving yourself open to have pranks pulled on you. The Dutch are easy targets for your best office pranks. Many pranks and laughs are to be had at the Dutch’s expense but be aware that property damage will likely occur in retaliation. It may include having your walls covered in chili or spray painting something.

 

 

8)     Demands Perfection /no tolerance. No one is more unforgiving than a Dutchman. The slightest mistake is the biggest of deals and the wrath of yelling at the speaker phone will ensue. The Dutch will set a high bar for expectations and demand these are met. Again the slightest change to their expectations will lead to a major blow up. 

9)      Fashion. The Dutch extreme frugality leads to many fashion No-No’s. Saving money on clothing is a good thing and something I greatly promote but a few No-No’s you will pick up from the Dutch:

a.      Peg Legged Jeans – won’t spend money on both jeans and shorts so they roll up the jeans which is on fleek in the hipster world but in the man world a no-no either wear your jeans or cut the legs short and make a real pair of Jorts.

b.      Pit stained T-shirts – this is by far the most disturbing fashion trend of the Dutch. Given that their T-shirts are all hand me downs or purchased from a thrift store you can’t be certain whose sweat is showing. And they will wear these white pit stained shirts with pride in the office.

c.      Headbands – No to headbands.

10)  Poor Storytelling. The Dutch are not great storytellers, but they will never pass up the opportunity to talk. Due to this they will often tell the same story over and over and over and over and over again as they cannot think of a new one. Like this one time at the Tesoro refinery when the pipe fitters were on strike….

11)  They will end up being a great friend. In spite of or in light of all the above they will turn to be a great friend who is entertaining and a pleasure to hang out with.  Unless your golfing…