11 Things I wish I knew about Dutch before I worked with one.

One busy day at work an article on MSN.com caught my eye. The article was titled “The 7 Things I wish I Had Known About Getting A Nose Job Before Getting One.” This inspired me to think about the things I wish I had known so I decided it was time to bring back the blog and address work related issues. This first blog of the series addresses handling a Dutch. As always we will touch on a little fashion (mostly what not to wear), a little fishing, and a little freedom.

 I never really received the full Dutch experience until transferring to Bellingham for work. Growing up on the side of a mountain in Montana I wasn’t exposed to much. I may have learned how to act in the presence of a bear, but never learned anything about the Dutch. Sure, we all know about the windmills and all, but below is the list of things I wish I had known about the Dutch prior to working with one.

Generic Dutch Worker

1)      They won’t pay for anything. The Dutch take frugal to a whole new level, the grip on their wallet is tighter than a hipsters jeans.

a.      Office festivities are seen as an opportunity to bring the whole family into the workplace for a free meal.  Dutch will down half a dozen free pastries in a morning so that they don’t need to pay for lunch. Also, the Dutch will never be the one who brings in office donuts. Any leftovers from an office party will be brought home to feed the family for the upcoming days.

b.      Lunch invitations will never be accepted unless it is predetermined as a business expense. Nothing a Dutch loves more than a free lunch. The Dutch will seek out every possible opportunity to have a business lunch. Without a free lunch the Dutch will resort to eating microwaved burritos or Raman noodles.

c.      Vacation budgets are almost non-existent. When asked how much spending money should be brought on a two week vacation “I don’t know like $50.00” is a serious answer. Let’s just say tipping is a foreign concept.

2)      Confidence/Self Boasting. The Dutch do not lack any confidence. You can be sure they will never defer to a more experienced party or to better judgement. They will proudly tell you how you are doing it wrong and how they can do it better. This boast is often prefaced with a “no no no, you’re doing it wrong”.  From bragging about simple things like how great they are at mowing the lawn to more complex things like how they can do surgery better than a surgeon you can be sure that they will tell you all about it. The Dutch believe they are the greatest gift to Earth and will love to tell you just how great and how right they are. 

The Greek restaurant that serves lasagna that tastes like spaghetti-O’s and their garlic bread is a hot dog bun while according to the Dutch that is the greatest Greek restaurant in the county and they serve the best pizza (even though they don’t make pizza…).

3)      Never owns up to bets. The Dutch are extremely hard to get into a bet, but when you do be aware that if you win you will never see the payout. It’s not that they back out or cheat or claim victory (which they will do all of those at times), they will just refuse to pay until you agree to a bet that is extremely stacked in their favor to even out the payout. Essentially all bets end at zero if they lose the first bet. If the Dutch win the original bet you can ensure you will be given no opportunity to win your money back and you will get hourly reminders of any unpaid bets.

a.      The tight grip on their money leads bets to be quite cutthroat at times. This also leads to a low bar when it comes to ethics. When golfing you can bet a shot into the woods gives the Dutch an opportunity to drop the ball in the middle of the fairway a few yards closer to the hole. But if you hit it into the woods they will demand you take the worst drop possible and not shut up until you do. When you relent just to get them to be quiet you can bet they will boast about beating you on that hole.

4)      Wear emotions on the sleeve. The Dutch are highly emotional.

a.      Extreme Volatility. The Dutch do not take changes in circumstances calmly. The slightest change in environment or circumstance will make them blow up faster and more violently than the Challenger. It would be safe to assume that if you know a Dutch they will have high blood pressure.  They also demand attention during these moments of volatility. Often you will be sitting in your office and hear some random yelling down the hall and have to get up to ask what’s wrong and provide comfort to calm the situation. Phone conversations are held on speaker phone and only outside voices are to be used. These emotional outbursts are often distracting to the rest of the office.

b.      Easily Excited. The simplest of things can lead to great excitement with the Dutch. This excitement is elevated when money could be involved. The thought of finding treasure will certainly cause a leak in their drawers. Work must stop when the thought of treasure enters the mind. Sometimes over excitement can lead to damage as stated below.

Commissioned Dutch Muzzle

 

Dutch Pout Fest

Generic Dutch Looking at Treasure Map

5)      Fishing. One of the most redeeming qualities of the Dutch are there fishing skills. They will scope out the free listing on craigslist.com until they find a free pole or crawfish pot. The Dutch will put a piece of Tuna into a crawfish pot throw it into a dirty pond and catch a 5 pound Bass like there is nothing to it. It’s true I have seen it. Again this leads to extreme excitement by said Dutch. When I first witnessed a Dutch get so excited after catching a fish that he punched out someone’s window just to get their attention I was flabbergasted. But, having worked with a Dutch for three years now this behavior is just seen as a normal everyday event.

 

Impressive Catch

Got a little excited

66)      They Love To Argue. The Dutch will argue you on anything even if they are proven wrong they will continue to argue. They will argue that a truffle is not a candy, google it see that it is a candy and continue to argue this. This makes it very difficult to have a constructive conversation with a Dutch. If argument is not being understood they will repeat the same thing only louder this time.

77)     Trusting / Gullible. You can tell any story to a Dutch and they will believe it. No story is too farfetched to not be taken seriously by the Dutch. No matter how many stories you make up they will always believe the next one. Combined with their volatile nature this trait will leads to hours of entertainment as you get them worked up about things that aren’t really happening.

Being overly trusting also leads to leaving yourself open to have pranks pulled on you. The Dutch are easy targets for your best office pranks. Many pranks and laughs are to be had at the Dutch’s expense but be aware that property damage will likely occur in retaliation. It may include having your walls covered in chili or spray painting something.

 

 

8)     Demands Perfection /no tolerance. No one is more unforgiving than a Dutchman. The slightest mistake is the biggest of deals and the wrath of yelling at the speaker phone will ensue. The Dutch will set a high bar for expectations and demand these are met. Again the slightest change to their expectations will lead to a major blow up. 

9)      Fashion. The Dutch extreme frugality leads to many fashion No-No’s. Saving money on clothing is a good thing and something I greatly promote but a few No-No’s you will pick up from the Dutch:

a.      Peg Legged Jeans – won’t spend money on both jeans and shorts so they roll up the jeans which is on fleek in the hipster world but in the man world a no-no either wear your jeans or cut the legs short and make a real pair of Jorts.

b.      Pit stained T-shirts – this is by far the most disturbing fashion trend of the Dutch. Given that their T-shirts are all hand me downs or purchased from a thrift store you can’t be certain whose sweat is showing. And they will wear these white pit stained shirts with pride in the office.

c.      Headbands – No to headbands.

10)  Poor Storytelling. The Dutch are not great storytellers, but they will never pass up the opportunity to talk. Due to this they will often tell the same story over and over and over and over and over again as they cannot think of a new one. Like this one time at the Tesoro refinery when the pipe fitters were on strike….

11)  They will end up being a great friend. In spite of or in light of all the above they will turn to be a great friend who is entertaining and a pleasure to hang out with.  Unless your golfing…

Formal Night - Vacation Story Part 2

Its time to continue with part deux of the Fashion, Fishing & Freedom's vacation blog.  A week is much too long to wait.  I don't know how any of you got anything done this past week in anticipation of this post. Luke did an excellent job in his previous post describing some vacation fashion tips.  

To recap, Luke and I (and our wives...no seriously) took a trip to Orlando, which included a cruise to the Bahamas from Port Canaveral (where they do that NASA space ship stuff).  Similar to Luke, my vacations growing up consisted of driving an hour north to Missoula and spending the night at the Sleep Inn, since they had a swimming pool.  Always a good time.

We decided to save a few bucks by taking a discount cruise line...don't worry, they had plenty of fresh fruit on board to stave off scurvy.  We got a great rate by agreeing to mop the poop deck.  We saved even more money by passing on the all-you-can-drink rum package (never buy the drink packages...two words: rough water).

The great people of Nassau were so excited for FFF's arrival to their nation, that they threw a parade for us!

After getting into a scuffle with some pirates (after we taught their parrots some inappropriate words), we opted for the less discount cruise line, which happened to have a formal night

I'd like to expound and/or elaborate (what, you didn't think I knew any fancy words?) on some fashion vacation tips by digging into the fashion of formal night. Formal night was created by the cruise lines to make themselves seem fancier without actually needing to spend extra money themselves to give the cruise that feel.  In fact, they make money off of people because you can choose to rent a suit on the ship for a hefty fee (don't be a sucker for that - borrow a suit).  As Luke somewhat alluded to in last week's post, formal night kind of stinks when you're flying to a location for a cruise, because you have to somehow pack a full suit in your suitcase.  It only makes matters worse when the suit jacket you bring is a hand-me--down from your 6'-3" father-in-law and it has some shoulder padding.  Hey, it beats actually paying for a suit!  I've lived in the South for 3 years now, which means I should have purchased a suit by now.  Somehow I've avoided that.

Only photographic evidence of me wearing the suit jacket (not pictured: bottom of the suit which reached my knees. Definitely pictured: hott wife)

 I at one time owned a sweet brown hand-me-down suit that I scored at goodwill for literally $3.  It lasted me through high school and college.  I loved that suit because no one wears brown suits anymore. Fashion tip: wearing something that no one else wears is cool...I think.  I guess just do it confidently and you'll be fine.  However, once my wife first saw me in that suit, it was time for it to go back to Goodwill for its third (at a minimum) chance at life.  

Just a normal picture of me heading to class in college in my brown suit.  I actually borrowed this particular suit jacket from my roommate Matt.  It was a hand-me-down of a hand-me-down.  The hipsters would go crazy for this look these days.

Bonus pic: What suits in the future will look like.  My kids and grand-kids will love to borrow this from me for their adventures (possible formal night on their Royal Galaxian space cruise to the moon?)

Once we got to dinner, I took the jacket off as to not look too goofy. My wife appreciates it when I don't embarrass her (I like to throw marriage tips into the blog now and then).  It was also a comfort decision, which is one of the main factors in fashion as this blog has repeatedly stated.  After dinner, our fashion co-editors asked for Luke and I to pose for a few pics.

Not going to lie, this was a little weird

Not going to lie, this was a little weirder

Not going to lie, this was the most awkward moment of my life

Just laugh it off and never speak of it again

Yes its true, even if the above pictures give you other ideas, Luke and I have very fashionable women in our lives

Stay tuned for Luke's post on theme park fashion in the not-so-distance future.  You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll wish you hadn't wasted so much of your life without proper fashion advice.  Until next time...

Nassau Fast - Vacation Story Part Uno

 During a vacation to Nashville in May of 2014 the fashion blog was born. As Hollee and Sarah discussed fashion blogs they liked to view to get ideas at what to wear, Me and Jon looked at each other in much confusion over this idea. Ordinary people write about what they wear? Other people take the time to read what ordinary people have to say about what they wear? People read and than copy other ordinary people on what they write about what they wear? This opened us up into a whole new world and we thought well we ain't never heard of no man ever writing about what to wear. Being that we pride ourselves on our appearance we created this blog to reach out to the world to help men look really really ridiculously good looking. So we introduced the blog to the world (our world really only consists of like 6.5 people, thanks mom for reading these posts and pretending they are good).

In January of 2016 we went on an adventure to Florida and the Bahamas to take a vacation with the Claxtons. When growing up a vacation meant we packed up our sleeping bags and tent and drove 20 miles to the other side of town and stayed in a tent all week. Stuffing 7 people in a tent in the 100 degree summers was always quite interesting especially when one of those people was Caleb. For those of you who know Cal he was always bouncing off the walls. Unfortunately when you try to bounce off a tent wall they just collapse. So after setting up the tent 8 or 9 times every night we'd finally get a few hours a sleep only to wake up and find a bear had eaten everything out of the cooler. True story our cooler had holes from bear teeth.

I promise I am going to get to fashion in a second just get through this next part it is important to establishing how I became the face of male fashion. So anyway the reason we took trips like this were partially because my parents were afraid to take Caleb out in public and partially due to funding. Apparently raising 5 kids ain't cheap. Ironically when I ask mom why she married dad, she always says because dad was going to be a millionaire by 30. My mom, bless her heart, was obviously blinded by love as right after they got married they moved to Montana and started making jewelry out of elk turds, another true story... I am sure you are surprised to hear that this was NOT a million dollar idea. My dad has tried a few other million dollar ideas but they did not pan out. He did however invent the selfie many years back. My brother Cole's long arms were the original selfie stick. Unfortunately he did not patent this or the Bentley's would be making millions off of the Kardashians alone. Not to mention every other duck faced girl in the world (don't think dad invented the duck face).

So that brings me to the Bahamas many years later on a vacation. We saved up a few Benjamin's and decided to take vacation with the Claxton's, we settled on a cruise to the Bahamas. A cruise ship  is essentially a city on water. There was over 3 times the amount of people on the ship than the town I grew up in. Camping in a tent with 7 people is sounding pretty nice now.

On an island with our ship in the background.

Luke: Free MSU T-shirt, Target Board Shorts, Grand Ole Opry Hat, Generic Flip Flops

Jon: Clearance Rack Shorts and Shirt, Miller Light Hat with Bottle Opener and Sandals

 You are probably tired of my rambling and dying to read something about vacation fashion... The number 1 rule we apply to fashion is comfort the 2nd rule is dress for the weather, took my dad many years to train me on this rule. Now Florida is known is the Sunshine state because it is sunny there. One thing you have to consider when traveling cross country is that you need to limit what you are packing to fit in your suitcase and on your person. I find it best to wear many layers on your person when taking a plane. It saves room in your suitcase and provides additional barriers from the inevitable somehow legal groping you will be subject to by a TSA agent. You voted for it...  On the cruise they consider casual to be slacks and a sport shirt. I should have backed out as soon as I saw that... Casual is Cargo Shorts and a tank top or t-shirt at best.  What kind of elitist considers a pant suit casual?   Anyway following my bride's wishes I followed their dress rules, although there is no photographic evidence of this but in our pursuit to becoming the world's voice for mail fashion we find it important to educate ourselves on various modeling techniques. We took the time on the ship to copy some great poses from the statues on board. Below are the shots from the shoot. It is very important to diversify your looks. We practice these poses in the mirror for hours sometimes days.

Pose Name: Peacock

Pose Name: Personal Protector 

Pose Name: Happy Boy

Pose Name:Bubbles

One night was formal night at least they didn't try to change the definition of formal so I was good to follow these rules. I think the best way to approach formal is just get a hand me down suit from your dad or grandpa as in 2016. The baby boomers and other past generations all own suits so they are a great source. Jon's follow up post will address formal night. Do remember though that Ghil-leaf suits don't count as a formal suit...

Also a follow up blog on Theme Park etiquette will follow for our 6 and a half readers enjoyment.

Oscar our waiter for the trip is the guy waving

Snow Man Fashion

Long time no speak.  Sorry about that faithful readers.

I want to start off with a rant...why in the heck did we start naming winter storms?  I mean, I know why the Weather Channel did it.  Just like the rest of the media, they love to sensationalize everything in order to get you to watch their channel, and thus make more money (I apologize...the Montanan in me is getting a little out of control i.e. questioning big company motives).  Winter Storm Gandolf, from some years back, sounds cool and all, but I don't recommend giving the storm that kind of distinction.  We don't want a storm to get full of itself.  I prefer humble snow storms with fat & fluffy snow flakes.  This weekend's Winter Storm Jonas doesn't sound very threatening, and it gives off Disney Channel vibes.  However, it has been the biggest snow storm in 28 years here in Music City, which should make the Jonas Brothers very proud.

Back Deck of Fashion, Fishing & Freedom's Southern Headquarters 

I moved to the South a few years back and admit that the folks here get a little excited when a winter storm is coming.  Good luck at the grocery store the day before, even though the snow and ice will be gone in a couple of days, the shelves will be empty of all bread and milk (ever tried a milk sandwich?).  I for one love it when the snow is coming, because I miss it so much.  I get to break out some of my favorite fashions, which stay in the bottom drawer until called upon.  I married a Southerner, which is why I'll give some credit: Southerners don't have enough of the road equipment to keep the roads clear and they get a lot more ice related storms, which makes it tougher to drive. Throw in the additional fact that there are almost double the people in the Nashville area than all of Montana and you get some mass hysteria every time a snowflake flies!  I'm not afraid of the roads, just the crazy drivers!

So all of this leads to fashion.  How best does a manly man tackle a winter storm?  I'm here to give you some pointers to impress that special lady in your life.  A wise man (possibly a Swede?) once said "There's no such thing as bad weather, just bad clothing."  The key to surviving the winter storm is to dress in layers.  Take it from the animals who use layers of blubber and fur to stay warm (and warm our hearts/bellies).

Base:

Camo boxers, Wife beater, Thickest socks you got

(Also normal Montana ski gear)

This is easily my wife's favorite (emphasis on the wife ladies...I'm taken). She's always saying "Gah I'm just sooooo proud of you" when I wear this. Notice the multiple patterns, even with the clothing that no one can see (its all about self confidence).  Como, stripes and solids were made for each other.  (Please no jokes about me not wearing any underwear...camo clothing jokes have run their course).

2nd Layer:

Camo Long Johns & Under armor top

(B&W camo is underutilized in our culture)

Nothing out of the ordinary here. A tight 2nd layer will act just like the aforementioned blubber.

3rd Layer (Not shown):

Pick from any one of your dozen or so flannel shirts or Carhartt hoodies (or both).  Flannel is always in style, no matter what those other untrustworthy fashion bloggers say.

Outer Layer: 

Stocking Cap, Gloves, Jacket, Jeans & Hunting Boots

(Rated to 0 degrees Kelvin aka Absolute Zero)

Now you're set!  Take on the world comfortably and warmly.  Don't forget to add the snow goggles or sun glasses to avoid going snow blind.  Final note: frost-bite is not to be considered a winter tan.

Manhood and Fanhood

After a long sabbatical I am back!!! 2015 was a rough year for male fashion. Dudes are wearing colored skinny pants that are squeezing the manhood right out of them, cuffing the bottoms of jeans not to stay dry but to look hip, I think. Shorts are getting shorter again. Men, our legs just ain't that sexy...  Anyway, living in Seattle I have learned even those who have squeezed the manhood out of themselves they still love football. 

The playoffs are just around the corner and it is time to get yourself into the mood for cheering your team onto victory. Now men know they can influence a game by the following:

1) The louder you cheer and yell at the TV the more you can influence your team to victory. 

2) The more team apparel you wear the better your team will perform. 

3) Where you sit, when you shower, what socks you wear, and many other things influence the game. 

Now if there is a way to explain this to my wife so she could understand please let me know. 

I firmly believe that steps 1,2, and 3 above will benefit your team greatly but to get the most out of your fanhood you need to take on the personality of the team. Below you will see many of the items to help lead your team to victory. 

As you know last year the Patriots won the super bowl when Darell Bevell (UW 1994) Instructed Russell Wilson (UW 2011) to throw the ball to the wrong team. The Patriots proved they could catch a fully inflated ball and as they say the rest is history. This year the Patriots are in the drivers seat to get the first seed in the AFC. Below is a candid photo of Tom Brady on how patriot fans should prep for gameday (I know some will think the picture is me wearing a Tom jersey but I assure you it is Tom.) 

On the NFC side the Panthers are undefeated and have all but locked up the first seed for the playoffs. It is easy to take on the personality of the Panthers. Just throw on your Panthers jersey and act like a complete tool. This should be easy for those wearing those tight colored skinny pants. Before I go too hard on the Panthers I do give Newton credit for leaving college early to go pro all for the love of the game. For most kids leaving college early to go pro is done for financial reasons but Newton took a large paycut leaving Auburn to go Pro. Below are some examples on being a panther fan.

Up next the Packers. This one is simple due to the creation of the cheesehead. Wear a jersey, a cheesehead, some camo or hunter orange and talk about the glory days. Saying a few Hail Marys during games has proven to help as well. 

Back to the AFC we discuss the Cincinnati Bengals. I read somewhere that the Bengals were good in the 80's. I mostly remember them for Ochocinco. To get the most out of your Bengals on Sundays it is important to take on the persona of Ochocinco and have a ridiculous celebration for each score. Below is one I have been working on for about six months. You think it is ready to use on gameday? 

Having a Baby

The New York Jets are on the verge of making the Playoffs. Unbelievable as it may sound it is true check the standings. Bring out the swim trunks and the swagger and you are in the zone for gameday. 

Doin the Namath

Bears fans are not in the playoff hunt probably because they have not released the inner Ditka. RELEASE THE DITKA!!!!!

Ditka... Sausage.. Da Bears

For fans of the teams not in the playoffs, there is always next year. 

I saved the Seahawks for last as they are now my team. I know everyone still refuses to believe I am not a Packer fan, but I ain't in fact my favorite team is whoever is playing the Packers and my second favorite is the Seahawks. Who can forget last years NFC championship game when the Seahawks crushed the Packers in OT to make the Superbowl. Being a Badger fan Russell learned my voice back in his college days so I can directly influence him better than others when yelling from the couch. Lately he has been listening quite well. 

Again I reiterate it is important to take on the personality of the team you are rooting for. Your fanhood is more important than ever this year. So when you are throwing back an ice cold budweiser and rooting like a maniac for your favorite team, remember fashion and football can still go hand and hand. 

 Oilers are undefeated Why Not Them?