Manhood and Fanhood

After a long sabbatical I am back!!! 2015 was a rough year for male fashion. Dudes are wearing colored skinny pants that are squeezing the manhood right out of them, cuffing the bottoms of jeans not to stay dry but to look hip, I think. Shorts are getting shorter again. Men, our legs just ain't that sexy...  Anyway, living in Seattle I have learned even those who have squeezed the manhood out of themselves they still love football. 

The playoffs are just around the corner and it is time to get yourself into the mood for cheering your team onto victory. Now men know they can influence a game by the following:

1) The louder you cheer and yell at the TV the more you can influence your team to victory. 

2) The more team apparel you wear the better your team will perform. 

3) Where you sit, when you shower, what socks you wear, and many other things influence the game. 

Now if there is a way to explain this to my wife so she could understand please let me know. 

I firmly believe that steps 1,2, and 3 above will benefit your team greatly but to get the most out of your fanhood you need to take on the personality of the team. Below you will see many of the items to help lead your team to victory. 

As you know last year the Patriots won the super bowl when Darell Bevell (UW 1994) Instructed Russell Wilson (UW 2011) to throw the ball to the wrong team. The Patriots proved they could catch a fully inflated ball and as they say the rest is history. This year the Patriots are in the drivers seat to get the first seed in the AFC. Below is a candid photo of Tom Brady on how patriot fans should prep for gameday (I know some will think the picture is me wearing a Tom jersey but I assure you it is Tom.) 

On the NFC side the Panthers are undefeated and have all but locked up the first seed for the playoffs. It is easy to take on the personality of the Panthers. Just throw on your Panthers jersey and act like a complete tool. This should be easy for those wearing those tight colored skinny pants. Before I go too hard on the Panthers I do give Newton credit for leaving college early to go pro all for the love of the game. For most kids leaving college early to go pro is done for financial reasons but Newton took a large paycut leaving Auburn to go Pro. Below are some examples on being a panther fan.

Up next the Packers. This one is simple due to the creation of the cheesehead. Wear a jersey, a cheesehead, some camo or hunter orange and talk about the glory days. Saying a few Hail Marys during games has proven to help as well. 

Back to the AFC we discuss the Cincinnati Bengals. I read somewhere that the Bengals were good in the 80's. I mostly remember them for Ochocinco. To get the most out of your Bengals on Sundays it is important to take on the persona of Ochocinco and have a ridiculous celebration for each score. Below is one I have been working on for about six months. You think it is ready to use on gameday? 

Having a Baby

The New York Jets are on the verge of making the Playoffs. Unbelievable as it may sound it is true check the standings. Bring out the swim trunks and the swagger and you are in the zone for gameday. 

Doin the Namath

Bears fans are not in the playoff hunt probably because they have not released the inner Ditka. RELEASE THE DITKA!!!!!

Ditka... Sausage.. Da Bears

For fans of the teams not in the playoffs, there is always next year. 

I saved the Seahawks for last as they are now my team. I know everyone still refuses to believe I am not a Packer fan, but I ain't in fact my favorite team is whoever is playing the Packers and my second favorite is the Seahawks. Who can forget last years NFC championship game when the Seahawks crushed the Packers in OT to make the Superbowl. Being a Badger fan Russell learned my voice back in his college days so I can directly influence him better than others when yelling from the couch. Lately he has been listening quite well. 

Again I reiterate it is important to take on the personality of the team you are rooting for. Your fanhood is more important than ever this year. So when you are throwing back an ice cold budweiser and rooting like a maniac for your favorite team, remember fashion and football can still go hand and hand. 

 Oilers are undefeated Why Not Them?

A Man's Guide to Looking Smart

Over my life I have had a few people comment on how smart I am. But people who know me well know that this is not the case. So the real question is why do some people get fooled into thinking I am smart? I have spent some time trying to figure out how I fooled these people so I can use these techniques to fool more people.

Now could it be because I am always right? No - I got married and have learned in a short time that even when I am right which is like 107% of the time I am still wrong. I have not scientifically figured out how this is possible but it just is so this theory is out.

Now could it be my abnormally large head size? The large dome runs in the Bentley family. However my large dome can be contributed to several factors. The main factor being at a young age while watching the team figure skating olympic events my father decided to give the event a try in the living room. I played the part of the lady skater being tossed in the air. Now at the age of 6 I had yet to perfect the triple sow cow (just looked it up and apparently it is a salchow so totally did went my whole life not knowing that) maneuver in the air. So mine was more like a half cow half dying duck that resulted in me landing on my head and being rushed to the emergency room. This led to my head being inflated the rest of my life and there is nothing Tom Brady can do to deflate it. Also this serious head injury probably resulted in me think skaters were performing a move called a sow cow.

This leaves one plausible reason people could actually think I am smart. My looks. Now the only thing bigger than my large head is my belly so looking smart for me means dressing smart and dressing smart means Argyle. Argyle is like some fancy print of diamonds (woman's best friend) on the front of a sweater that just scream awesome. Now in the Declaration of Independence Thomas Jefferson mentioned something about Freedom and Liberty and kicking the snot out of Britain. Thomas Jefferson is like the smartest man ever however he did not wear Argyle. Bob Knight did. And Bob Knight knew a thing or two about kicking the snot out of people. So based on this we can determine that wearing argyle makes you look smart. Argyle also goes great with blue jeans. Below is photographic evidence.

Bob Knight in Argyle

 

Perfect for a family photo - rocking a argyle sweater vest with blue jeans.

Looking smart reading The Farside. Bottoning up the dress shirt to the top adds like 10 IQ points on the looks scale.  

This picture says many things. I just hope genius is one of them. (Photographer and additional participant Eric Gray and a stray cat)

 

As you can see from the above barrage of brilliance, wearing argyle will fool anyone into thinking you are as smart as that dude who invented the hot dog. You will also look ridiculously good looking. So next time you are trying to impress someone with your smarts without sacrificing your looks - go Argyle. Hope these outfit ideas are inspirational to you.

 

Not sure if this qualifies as argyle but it is awesome and if you don't think so Coach Knight will make you go night night...

 

 

Farewell 2014

Today King 5 posted a list of 12 words that will be banned for 2015. They are Hack, Bae, Cra-Cra, Skill Set, Foodie, Swag, ___-Nation, Curate, Friend-Raising, Takeaway, Enhanced Interrogation, Polar Vortex. I don't know what all those words mean but I guess this is good-bye.  This is the last time I can post using these words. 2014 was also named the year of the selfie so all photos will be selfie format.

So I just googled "what do cool people wear on New Years Eve?" The first site that popped up was Glamour which just showed a bunch of skimpy dresses. What *Hack came up with this? You would have to be *Cra-Cra to wear a small dress in the middle of the darn winter. Maybe some fashionable panda fur would give you that *Swag look you are going for. The next website was Askmen which has the motto "become a better man". Their recommendation was to wear leather pants, leather blazers and a purple shirt. I am developing some *Enhanced Interrogation techniques for the *Hack who came up with that. I would go pantless in a *Polar Vortex before I ever slipped into leather pants. And guys no more purple, Vikings fans wear purple and Vikings almost always lose. Also don't spend your money on a leather blazer. If you want leather buy a football. Footballs are fun. If you can add football playing to your *Skill-Set your *Bae will totes dig you. So after determining there was no good advice on what to wear online for men and women seeking the perfect combination of fashion and comfort I decided to write a blog on what to wear.

First thing you need to think about is the weather. New Years falls in the middle of winter and the ball drops at midnight which is at 12:00 AM which is in the middle of the night. The good thing is that some smart Americans already invented electricity, indoor plumbing, and indoor heating systems so you can stay warm inside without having to layer up. We also invented French Fries, take that France! If you are going to brave the *Polar Vortex like conditions and celebrate outside I recommend a big thermos of cocoa or coffee or your favorite hot beverage, some wool socks, long johns, your favorite pair of blue jeans, a sweatshirt and a warm jacket. If you want to add some NYE *Swag I would go with a gold and diamond Jesus necklace that will be sure to do some *Friend-Raising and impress your Bae. Women can enhance this outfit with some fur preferably from an animal your man has harvested.

Cold Weather outfit selfie.

                           Duck Face Selfie                                                              Mirror Selfie

For those of you smart enough to go to bed by 9 PM wear whatever it is you wear to bed. For the rest of us who will be partying inside I say wear something fun and comfortable. I mean it is the last day of 2014 and your last day to go all out. So I define fun as camo or blaze orange. If you want to be the life of the party go Blaze Orange. It is bright and sure to do some major *Friend-Raising. If you are more of the type of person that likes to blend into the party go Camo. And as always you can add that *Swag with the jesus necklace, afterall the guy just had his two thousand twentieth birthday so I feel he should be included in your party. So we hear at the *Triple F-Nation wish you all a safe and happy New Year. Hope you are all looking forward to 2015 fashion tips. Stay tuned to the blog as we keep you informed and help you to be a fashion trend setter. Go America!

Indoor outfit selfie.

Camo Pants and Zumba Print Bucky Shirt =Fun Fun Fun

 Jesus Hanging with his favorite mascot.

Date Night: Casual

Happy November (Movember, No-Shave November, etc...) everybody.  How are those manly beards coming along thus far?  I hope all of you are coming down from your candy buzz from Halloween and are enjoying the fall/winter weather.  I missed all of you...except for a couple of you.

Anyways, who doesn't like a nice date night with their honey bun*?  I sure do.  The pure joy one feels on payday, when there is nothing but money to spend (we can dream can't we?), is hard to overtop.  However, with every date night one must ask one's self: "What do I wear on this date night in order to make my honey bun* feel like she picked a winner?"  It is a question we should, nay must, ask ourselves prior to any evening out on the town.

There are different levels of date nights: from take-out in pajama's, all the way up to a fancy night out at the outback steakhouse in a 19-piece suit.  However, I'd like to specifically dive into the fashion of a casual date night: where looking good intersects with fashion function.  First, some general rules for date nights of all kinds:

1. Shower, preferably within the last 24 hours
2. Brush yo' teef
3. Deodorant and other various smell good items are a nice touch
4. Smile (don't be a grumpy punk)

Now, lets look at a specific casual date night example and sift through what made it magical.

Setting: A local mexican restaurant with a nice outdoor patio (you need to know what types of places your honey bun* loves).  Clear skies and early evening (about 30 minutes before sunset): warm, but not too hot ==> ideal for chillin'

Garb: A nice bold shirt is always a good choice on a casual date.  Your honey bun* needs to know that you are confident in yourself and in your relationship.  Black is always slimming, plus Toy Story is always a good conversation starter.  Side note: don't be afraid to wear a shirt that was given to you by your mother-in-law (aka honey bun* mama), chances are, she knows a thing or two about fashion. (Not pictured: gym shorts and flip-flops  ==> good options when you're in a rush)

Result: A wonderful date night with your honey bun*.  Smiles and laughs all around.  Both you, and your relationship come out winners.

Bonus: You're probably thinking "Wow that is the single coolest T-Shirt I have ever seen!". But wait, there's more: Its a Glow-in-the-Dark T-Shirt! Comes in very handy for your walk back to the car underneath the romantic moon light.  This is where fashion meets function, and most importantly, where you become your honey bun's* hero.  You're welcome.

*Disclaimer: For your personal health and welfare, please consult with your honey bun before referring to them as your honey bun

Farewell Summer - A Jort Story

After a very long summer break the fashion blog is back!!! For those of you who have been left clueless on what to wear over the summer I apologize but spending time outside in God's great country was deemed more important than fashion. With that said I did catch some delicious bass this summer. I would like to dedicate this blog post to my favorite pair of jorts (also my only pair).

My Jort Line

Jorts are the new black. And I think in fashion that means they are awesome. The beauty of jorts is that they are essentially free and super comfortable. It seems like every year you have to find a new favorite pair of jeans because after wearing them for 180 straight days in the fall/winter they have blowouts in the knees... You can patch them at this point and look silly or you can cut them off at the knee and have a new pair of jorts. I told you they were awesome.

A little yard work

Jorts have so many uses. I wear mine when mowing the lawn, lounging around, going for hikes, swimming, going on a hot date with my hot wife, and for fishing. There is pretty much nothing they can't do. They also are like jeans in that they go with anything. The best look in the summer is to go shirtless or with a tank top. For a hot date you can throw on a nice flannel. For footwear with your jorts I recommend tennis shoes.

Ready for a hot date

 

As always when talking fashion we like to talk cost per use. Now if you buy a pair of jeans on sale at JCPenney for $20 and wear them for 170 out of the 180 days in fall/winter that is a cost of $0.12 per use. By turning them into jorts you can get another estimated 90 uses out of them in the Spring/Summer bringing your cost per use to under $0.08. That is pretty darn good.

After all the uses I have described above it is time to retire my current pair of jorts. The blowouts around the butt pocket are becoming harder and harder to contain. It is a sad day saying goodbye but next year I will get a brand new pair.

Playing ball in the house (butt blowout visible)

Again we apologize for the long layoff but we are getting ready to post many fall fashion tips.

Modeling Artist - Luke Bentley
Blog Author - Luke Bentley

An Everyday Guide To Baseball Caps...Continued...

Howdilly doodilly neighborinos.  I know its been a while since I've posted, and I've got a good excuse for that, but I know that my excuse won't make up for the pain that you all have suffered, so I'll save you the details.  Just know that I'm sorry, and I'm going to make up for it...I'm really going to change this time.  I promise.

Anyways, after all of the overwhelming success and positive reviews regarding Luke's last post on hats, I decided to keep the train going with some other pointers, looks and wisdom.  Hats are to a man, as shoes are to a woman.  Therefore, read this post carefully and you'll soon find yourself living the high life.

I learned everything I know on wearing hats from my father, Big Daddy Joe.  The main thing I learned about hats from him was they are made to keep the sun out of your eyes.  Who knew?  Add in my ginormous eyebrows and you see why I never feel like I need to wear sunglasses.  I wonder why I have horrible vision?  Some additional hat looks are shown below.

The Bill (so punny).  Side note: It's ok to double up on team logos...especially if its the same team.  Plus, people feel sorry for you when you wear this particular logo.

The Montana Toupee (no one will ever have to know you're bald)

I'm in shape (but I'm really not)

(See previous post "Hello, my name is Luke", regarding Luke's days as intramural all-american in college...I was only 2nd team all conference)

The "I'm Not From Here But I Want To Fit In"

The Bossssssssssssss

The Wooly Mammoth a.k.a. The Alma Mater a.k.a. The Greatest Hat Ever Made a.k.a. Pure Confidence

The Tried and True (Luke used to work for this company before it got bought out...I will forever thank them for giving me this hat for free at the job fair in college.  It is always on the ol' noggin' when I'm heading out to the woods to shoot something.) What are you looking at? You can't prove anything

Corporate Sellout

(Ever find it funny that I paid them for a hat that advertises their product?  They sure know what they're doing.  Actually Luke bought this hat for me at my bachelor party, along with one for himself.  Good times were had by all)

What will they think of next?  Perfect for Root beers and ginger ales!

The Irish Lad

The Didgeridoo

Until next time...

An Everyday Guide To Baseball Caps

I have gotten a request to address baseball caps. There are many ways to wear a baseball cap. This blog will discuss baseball caps to buy and the proper way to wear a cap.

The first thing you need to do is pick out a good cap. Caps are a great way of advertising your place of employment, your favorite sports team, or your favorite adult beverage. There are many styles of baseball caps as well. Strap back, fitted, visors, etc... With so many choices it can be quite overwhelming picking out the right one or two or ten.

At the store they put stickers and tags on hats so you know how much they cost, the size, and the brand of the hat. I recommend purchasing a cap that has your favorite sports team on it. Immediately after purchasing remove all tags and stickers. Leaving the tags and stickers makes it look like you a putz. Don't look like a putz. Stickers are for five year old children not young adults.

The next thing you need to do is properly bend the bill. To bend follow the hand placement of the above picture. Crank that bill until you get the proper bend. This will help shield the sun from the edges of your eyes. A flat bill will give you the look of in incompetent tool and it really does not serve you well to have this look.

Now the proper way to wear the hat. This is best shown by a picture. The pictures below to show all the proper fashionable ways you can wear a baseball hat.

Casual Look

The Friday Night

All Business

The Last Minute Accessorizing

 

 

Redneck Chic

 



 



Fancy and Formal





 

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